Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
