Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
