True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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