I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
