I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
