That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
