I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
