I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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