So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
