im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
