I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
