he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
