I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
