Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
