you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
