Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm bleeding and have questions
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
