also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
