We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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