I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
