probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just gargled with NyQuil
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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