Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize