i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
