I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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