Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
