I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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