help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
