its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
