K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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