is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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