Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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