I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
mondays should just be called national damage control day
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
