Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
