also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
