I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
