If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
