so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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