Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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