would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
