The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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