Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
