Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
