I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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