im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
