He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
