My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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