Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
