I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
