FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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