I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
