take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
