when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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