Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
