You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
