All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
