You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
and she was petting her beer can
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I believe in your delicious
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
