i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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